Merry (early) Christmas!!

so i get this package at my doorstep the other day........a tad scary and surreal for sure. is it really merry? I'm sure beneath all the possible side effects it will be. but am i merry about the whole injecting myself 3 times a week and feeling like crap merry? hhmmmm. I'm not too sure.

the happy sunny day that this fantastic package arrived on my doorstep i was far from thrilled. i cried to my fantastic husband on the phone (once again). it is REAL. I HAVE MS!!!!

its not going to go away. EVER. i will (hopefully not) have to have this wonderful reminder 3 times a week that i am sick. sick.sick. but this doorstep present WILL help me in the long run. i know. i hope.....

OK its really hard to be so optimistic. I'm not too good at being that way. my wonderful husband is VERY optimistic, thank goodness, so this helps me tremendously!!

knowing that MY OWN BODY is attacking itself is sooooo scary. i don't know if i will ever come to terms with it. I'm scared to death of the future.....

am i good

enough? am i..... um.... smart enough and gosh darn it......... (do)............ people like me?
for who i am? as natural and disgusting as i obviously am?

supermen?

OK so they are soooooo wonderful? like shay or jen or hanna.. or jenna, what the hell is wrong with that? how bout some derek, jon, patrick,thomas !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am a weeeeeee BIT Stressed. is it worth losing my vision over ?
MEN ARE FUCIKJNG MUTHERFUINGF PIGS.
LITERALLY self centerd assholes/ sorry men

funky

so i am in a funk. a crank cranky funk.

My baby turns 9

So in a few hours (till midnight) my tiny hot pink, bundle of joy, bundle confusion and my own terror toughts turns 9. I really remember it like it just happend. I know people say "It seems like yesterday" but really it does seem like yesterday. It dawned on me that he is a "Tween". What?!!! My tiny hot pink bundle of mass confusion is now a "Tween"!!?? NO. He still likes his stuffed animals, he still gets his feelings hurt, he still loves his mommy and his daddy is his hero. Is this possible of a "Tween"? This is my first. This is my baby, my hot pink, bundle of emotions. I remember being in my room at the hospital after having Evan and just standing in the mirror thinking " I am a MOM now, my God what am i soposed to do with him? He is the greatest thing ever, a tiny human, that cries and NEEDS ME and i HAVE to answer to him." The nurse then walks in to see this all go down in the mirror of my freezing cold room and all she says is " You may have the baby blues. Are you ok? This is common we can persrcibe meds for this. It is a form of depression." ok? ok? I am totally confused and lost and sooooooo happy all at the same time. Baby blues???? Am i ok? I am. I am. And i still am. He is still as handsome and oh so cute as the day he was born. He is the BEST kid a parent could ask for. No trouble from him here. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful, tiny hot pink bundle of joy.

school

So school has begun. I was not a blubbering idiot like i figured i would be. Im quite proud of myself- as are my kids. At the same time though--- is it wrong that i was not the blubbering idiot? Were they looking forward to it? Probably not. Who would? I fought the waterworks big time. I was sooo glad to get to the car- with the untinited windows for everyone to see as i called my superman to talk me through it and to see all the un-crying mommies walking there kids into the school-- there i cried and cried and cried and cried some more when i read the little poem that the teacher had written for us pathetic mommies with our family picture attached. I was so glad when husband cut me off........

Actually i was one a blubbering idiot at home in the driveway taking our annual 1st day pictures. The kids knew what was wrong with me before my superman had to say a word. I got a reassuring "we will be fine mom and so will you" hug from both of them. god that made it hard.... i love that they are so stong, stronger than me sometimes.

Please need me forever....

My crazies are starting school, one for the first time, the other for the fourth time. Why oh why does it make me a blubbering idiot every year?


It all starts on the last- yes- the last day of school. The days leading up to the last day I'm filled with monsoons of mixed emotions--yea no more waking up at 6am! no more rushing to get to bed! no more dieting or exercising! (OK that part is so me, not my skinny kids) no more showers! (now now)no more homework! and then the--my god where has the time gone--my babies are literally growing before my eyes like the grow a giant alligator in a cup, and I'm not ready for the next year to start, I'm not ready for this one to be over!! it so not fair, i want my babies to stay young, have no fear, be kids, have no worries, no stress, i want them to always need me.
That is the hardest part i think, the fear that i will get pushed aside.....

So here is my big girl (my baby) who is carrying the bags o' school supplies to open house because she can do it and will do it and won't let anyone else do it. Open house i think to myself-- my Ellie is still a teeny red baby who cries all the time and lets me dress her so girlie, not a- in 3 days she will be officially a big girl in kindergarten.....

As we do the scavenger hunt around the room she gets to the math (oh my --MATH) table and looks a little nervous. She at this point isn't the only one. I watch her and hold back the water works before i scare her to death.

Now on to the next clue-- the drawing table. She is now in her element and me in mine watching her warm up to the fact that kindergarten is fun. The waterworks have dried up for now...

So here we have the big brother. Here he sits at Ellie's (gulp) desk, the last clue in the hunt. He has that "been here done that" look and wants to move on. He is such a Wonderful big brother. This seasoned veteran cannot wait to show his little sister around her new school.

OK now the seasoned vet looks a little nervous himself.....what's going on here? He looks how i feel right about now. I think reality has set in for him, i think he sees the multiplication tables behind me......

when we arrive at Evan's class all the parents and kids are in the hallway waiting to be let in the room and down the hall i spy friends of Evan's that have been in his class since kindergarten, a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders, i take a deep breath and breathe a sigh of relief. don't ask why i don't know myself.

OK so my seasoned vet is in his element. he has his seasoned vet friends all around him and good ol' dale junior to the right of him. he is now officially in good hands...

Now is it's time to put your favorite new outfit out so you remember to put it on in the morning, the first day of school (and the first of many days of crying for me). He asks me throughout this process "Mom does this match? Will this go with the brown shoes or the black shoes? What about the belt?" I guess my big 3rd grader does still need me......